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08 March 2005 @ 05:55 pm
...And nothing else really does matter  
Well well, last night was very interesting. It was Diane's birthday but I never ended up hanging out with her. Jeff and Matt stopped over and within an hour we ended up at Rex's. My depression has led me to smoking pot. Bleh. It's the stress and the anger that really gets to me, so I drown it out by smoking I guess. I didn't only get high, I fuckin smoked half a pack of cigarettes in about 3 hours, maybe less. Ugh. Some people came over and brought alcohol so then I ended up getting drunk. Really fuckin drunk. Around 2am I started getting the spins and I can't even really remember the night. I do remember getting hit on hardcore. Not even hit on... Just someone wanting to get in my pants. Didn't happen by the way. I guess I could be really pissed about that but, I'm not. I almost enjoy the feeling of someone putting effort into getting me. I guess that's all I really want from Jordan... For him to try. I can't ask for too much th0. Things aren't getting any better between Jordan and I... Just really good sex, all the time. I guess that's the only thing about him I can really enjoy at the moment. It sucks that it's not 'making love' but I really do love it. I don't feel used by him at all... I'm the one that always wants it and I don't let him say no. I think I was talking some mumbo jumbo to him last night cause he said something to me this morning about if I remembered all the stuff I said... I can only imagine.

Once again I'm really depressed today. I just got depressed all the sudden. I just want a hug :-( I want to be held by Jordan... What really sucks is that I don't even know if he's coming home tonight. And I can't ask him to come home cause there's always that chance of him saying no and then I'll be so much worse than I already am. I want to call him to say I love you but I'm too scared.

sdlkfjdslakgjhlwektujlksajflsdjFLDSKAJFLKSDJLEellfekjdsljfllalsd!

BLAH!

I'm so confused, I can't even type what I'm really trying to type cause I have a million things dancing around my brain. Good stuff, bad stuff, the things I want to happen, and the things I doubt will. I hate doubt. I love Jordan and I hate him for it.
 
 
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